So...cherish her... Okay?
[Kagura returned to her planet with her father. Everyone at the Otose Snack House is depressed.]
[On the other hand, the women are busy trying to replace the heroine of the show.]
[OTOSE SNACK HOUSE]
I see.
That girl with the big appetite returned to her planet.
Yeah.
I tried to stop her... But Gin-san said it's probably best for her to be with her father.
That's right, it's much better than staying with Good-For-Nothing Gin.
Hmph. She had a loud mouth, but I kinda miss her now that she's gone.
Everybody looks really sad. You're all sad because I'm not around, huh?!
I'm going to hide out for a while.
Then you'll truly realize just how important I am to you!
Anyway, I don't see the most important guy.
Where is he? The guy with the moppy hair?
Restroom... Ah-ha, did you go in there to cry over me? All alone in the restroom?
Gee, I can't believe it really happened to me.
He cried his eyes out.
This is terrible. The most important thing in my life...and it's all swollen!
["Make Characters So Anybody Can Tell Who They Are by Just Their Silhouettes"]
What?! Did you touch it with your dirty hands?!
I'm not like you. How old do you think I am?
Is it some sort of disease? Did you get infected by someone?
I'm not like you. I don't skate on thin ice.
That bastard! You're not supposed to care about anything but me!
Is it your imagination? Maybe you just remember it being smaller.
Get back to what you were talking about!
No, it was a good modest size.
Hey, that's enough!
Did you pee on a worm? I heard it swells up if you do.
What are you talking about? That's just an old wives' ta...
You...can't be...
Oh, no. It wasn't a worm. It was more like a worm-like alien...
You pissed on an alien? Oh, no! That's bad.
My friend did that and now he's dead.
What?! He died? What does that mean? What'll happen to me? I mean...
I said that's enough!
He's only talking about his crotch. What?!
Do they always talk about their crotches when I'm not around?
Good evening!
Big sister!
Sis, why are you wearing that?
Well, it's Chinese Girl Booster Month at work, so everyone wears a Chinese dress to work.
What's Chinese Girl Booster Month? And what's being boosted?
Men's fantasies.
How do I look, Gin-san?
This is not good. I don't want to die young.
It's useless to speak to him right now. And don't ask me why.
Oh, you miss Kagura-chan that much... I'm sorry to remind you...
Yes, yes, that's it. That's why you're my big sis...
I think this will help us.
[ONIYOME]
[Note: Oniyome means Demon Bride and is a parody of Onigoroshi sake]
Let's drink and forget her!
Wow, this is expensive sake.
Oh? Big sis? No... That's not right... Forget? Are you guys trying to forget about me?
I swiped...er got it from work.
Oniyome... I haven't had this for a long time.
Sometimes people can only move on by forgetting.
Let's forget all the bad stuff by drinking sake, Gin-san.
Bad stuff? I'm bad stuff?
No, I can't. Because it's always hanging right there.
Can't you think of anything but your crotch?!
Well, I think she'll be fine. We'll see her again if she's still alive.
Bottoms up!
Oh, thank you.
Old hag! I didn't ask you!
If you ask me, it's good that she left.
Say what, pig ears?!
I always felt she and I were too similar for one show.
No way!
Y'know, "the cute foreign chick."
Well, I never thought of you as "cute."
I really miss her.
Somewhere along the line, I started thinking of her as my little sister.
I always wanted to have a little sister.
Big sis...
When Shin-chan was little, I used to force him to dress up as a girl.
Our dad used to yell at me for that.
Right, Shin-chan?
Bleep, bleep! Bleep, bleep!
Listen!
...And yet...
But why did you have to die and leave me alone, Father?
And now you're talking about your father?
What I want to know is, are there any good urologists nearby?
Really. That's all you ever want to know about!
Ah... There's a urologist across from the cigarette store on 3rd Street.
I heard there's a hot doctor working there.
Really? That'll make my swelling worse.
Go away, old man!
Well, maybe... But it's better to see a sexy doctor if you go...
But I guess you'd feel too embarrassed...
Idiot! That's what's fun about it. There're so many things mixed in.
It's like you're role-playing!
I guess so. But if you have a stone, it's a completely different story.
A stone is nasty. It really hurts.
There's no way you'd be able to think about how beautiful she is. It's that bad.
Is that right? I heard you feel great once it's out...
Well yeah. It was all the way up in there.
I can't even describe how painful it is.
Your nuts would turn a somersault. No argument.
Have YOU experienced it?
Well...
What are you guys talking about?!
First, Chinese chicks who say things like "uh-huh" are such a cliché!
I bet she was faking her accent! I bet she can speak perfectly!
Hey, you forgot to speak with your weird accent.
Oh shi-!
You're the one who's faking!
Hey, Catherine-san, you're way out of line!
That's no way to speak about the dead!
But, I'm not dead.
If you ask me, your weird accent is outdated! It's impossible to understand!
Right, Shin-chan?
Bleep, bleep! It's a mysterious invitation!
I told you to listen!
I wonder what it's like to go to a female doctor. Should I go? I don't know...
Go to hell!
In any case, what are you guys going to do?
Do you really think the two of you can run the Odd Jobs by yourselves?
Huh? It doesn't matter how many people there are. In the old days, I did it by myself.
No, that's not what I meant.
Actually...
A while back this girl came by who wanted to join the Odd Jobs.
She thought I was the boss and left her picture and resume.
Eh? What? Was the Odd Jobs that famous?
I feel a little "uncomfortable" hearing that...
Your mean your crotch feels uncomfortable, right?
This picture looks more like a mail-order bride ad to me.
Wow, she's pretty!
Um... I can't see...
Ayame Sarutobi. She's had a great career.
She resigned from the Oniwabanshu and became an assassin.
An assassin?
Whoa! A thief! A spy! How'd you get in here?
The bell of Gion temple rings with the impermanence of all things.
[Note: A line from The Tale of the Heike. An epic account of the struggle between the Taira and Minamoto clans for control of Japan.]
Like the flowers in the holy woods of Sara.
The bells say that it is time for a new heroine.
Good evening, I am Odd Jobs Sachan.
Sachan?!
It's not easy for such shabby men to succeed in this business.
Adam and Eve, the president and his beautiful secretary,
a master and a maid and Pe Hayashiya and Pahko...
[Hayashiya = a husband and wife comedian team in Japan]
No matter what you do, you need a real heroine.
I think she's missing the point in some places...
Even so, Chinese girls who say "uh-huh" are so last year.
And a cat-eared middle-aged woman is out of the question as well.
And I have no idea about the old woman; is she a man or Orochimaru?
[Note: Orochimaru is an anime character who has a snake-tongue and is voiced by the same actress that does Otose.]
Understand? The future has arrived!
And the future is, the four-eyed Kunoichi...
Huh? Kunoichi four-eyes...? Right, let's go with that.
[Note: kunoichi = a female ninja. 91 is a parody of ku (9) ichi (1)]
It's time for 91 Mega!
Oops! That was a mistake.
She's totally messed up.
Thus, um... Gin-san, please take me as your bride...
No, I mean...
As a member of the Odd Jobs...
We've already got four-eyes Shinpachi so, fuggedit.
This is a team and we all need our own distinct personality.
And the best way to show your personality is through your looks.
You don't want fans to say, "Hey, she's just copying Shinpachi's glasses!"
For example... You should have a Mohawk or a huge weapon,
[Cannon, Tank, Char Exclusive is from Gundam. It's used to describe Red, High-speed, and distinguish it from others.]
like a "cannon", "tank" or "Char Exclusive".
Make it so anybody can tell who you are just from your silhouette.
Get something like that, then come back.
He says that like he's the editor of a manga.
You can't complain anymore, right? Are you happy now?
Bully me all you want, but I'm a masochist. So I'm enjoying it too!
I'm an "M" (as in masochist) and you're "S" (as in sadist). We don't need anything else.
Sorry, but I'm kind of an "M" too.
Sa-chan, that's a Ma-da-O.
Hey, listen chickie! You pop up out of nowhere and call yourself the heroine!
This world ain't that easy!
Catherine, you...
I don't know who you are, but I've been working here for a long time, and you just showed up!
I'm the heroine in this anime!
Absolutely not!
Shut up, you middle-aged woman! You're just a waste of cat ears!
If I had your ears, I'd be a ninja with glasses and cat ears.
The triple crown of cute anime girl gimmicks!
My whole gimmick is being middle-aged and having cute cat ears. It's all good!
[Note: Usually, a cat-eared (nekomimi) character is a young girl.]
That's not very good at all.
That's enough! Knock it off you two!
How do you think Kagura would feel if she could see you right now?!
By the way,
I've known Gin-san a lot longer than any of you, uh-huh.
"Uh-huh"? Oh? Big sis? Are you trying to become the heroine now, Big sis?
How dare you look down on me, meow!
You don't even have any character, meow!
What's with the "meow"? Is that her new gimmick?
Is that your idea of a cute new speech pattern?
It doesn't matter if you've got strong character.
Your face is too strong, as in ugly, nin-nin.
What?!
You, too.
Don't get carried away, just because you've known Gin-san for a long time, glasses beam!
Don't mix up your lines so much!
But I've been here the longest, uh-huh!
You're using "uh-huh" wrong, Big sis.
What?! The length of time doesn't matter! Quality is more important!
I've already had experience doing a little of this and that with Gin-san!
What? You just said that it doesn't matter how strong a character is, right?
And you said "a little of this and that," but it's all in your imagination, right?!
Strong is better than weak, meow!
But it doesn't apply to the face!
This is getting downright nasty...
What about you guys?!
You don't like Gin-san as much as I do. I'm the one who deserves him, nin-nin.
I do like him... Next to cotton work gloves, he's the best, uh-huh.
How far down the list is that, meow?!
But most of all I love myself. So I hate losing to anyone, uh-huh.
Um...
Let me tell you something. I don't care about that useless man!
I just want to see you both lose, meow!
You lost the day you were born, nin-nin!
Hey, calm down.
If you keep this up, you'll never settle down.
You should listen to the opinions of us men.
What does "settle down" mean, anyway?
Men like us believe a woman has to meet three requirements to become a heroine.
Those are...
[FACE]
A pretty face,
style,
[STYLE]
personality.
[PERSONALITY]
I don't have any of those.
So for starters, we'll see you later!
Screw you.
You two can stay.
Listen. A heroine needs a good face. But it doesn't just mean a pretty face.
A face that beats the crap out of people, but with a smile...
Or, someone who would create a parent-son problem on a kids' anime. Both of those are out of the question.
What I'm trying to say is...
It's all about your facial expression!
In different situations, you need to have the response your audience is expecting.
Such as laughing when appropriate...
[This is just Shinpachi's imagination. This picture is slightly different from the real person.]
Getting angry when necessary...
I'm angry now, pun pun.
Having a background filled with flowers at any time...
It's one day late, but Happy Birthday!
Being able to tear up on cue.
Well...
Being able to cry when necessary.
I'm happy...but it's strange...
Therefore, the heroine will be...
Therefore, first of all, you...
Cry.
Then...
Please use this.
You got it wrong again!
It's out of the question.
You try it.
Well, that's easy.
Come on, cry! I won't stop until you're bawling!
Um... Why?
But this feels good...
Ora ora ora ora!
[Note: Ora = a fighting taunt used when repeatedly punching someone]
Hey, hey! Who told you to make someone cry? I said for YOU to cry.
But I think I can...
That's the reason he's a DORK.
Really, every single one of them...
Hey, I didn't do anything yet.
So how do I look, meow?
Missed every single one of them...
I'll kill you, bastard, meow!
Why don't you just give up?
I think we're done with the "face."
A heroine's style is very important.
[Note: Hasegawa takes the same pose as Gendo from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Both characters were voiced by the same voice actor.]
A heroine's gotta be, you know... Bang! Pow! Boom!
It's like fully grown fruit. Plump, but not fat.
[Due to circumstances, detailed examples are limited, so we are using images as metaphors. Thank you for your understanding.]
From the moment you see it, it doesn't matter if you remember her face!
Even dirty old geezers move their eyes up and down and side to side.
A heroine has to catch their attention! That's the heroine's big boobs...
I mean figure! I mean style!
An hourglass figure is the best. Yeah, yeah.
That's an old man's opinion.
So that excludes the monster cat ...
What?!
Now lets compare the two of you...
Bang.
Pow.
Boooooom!
You both pass.
The last thing is... Um... Huh? Was it "personality"?
Well... Both of you are perfect, so... I just can't pick a winner...
You had better pick one, uh-huh!
You chumps started this, mega bazooka.
Shi-Shinpachi-kun...
Wake up, Shinpachi-kun. You're the one who suggested "personality," so you should judge.
A heroine?
The heroine is...
Otsu-chan. I'd say it's Otsu-chan.
Ora!
Hmph. Come with me to the riverbank. We'll settle this, uh-huh!
Hmph.
Fine with me, nin-nin.
Gi-Gin-san...
What?
Really... How come we don't have any just plain nice girls around us?
You said it.
When it comes right down to it, Kagura-chan was the best of all, huh?
So true...
Hey, you guys are so pathetic.
You sent her packing, and you already miss her?
Hmph. This is how selfish men are and why I don't like them.
Right? Why don't you say something?
Sorry, I don't have an hourglass figure.
All right, don't say anything. Don't say a word.
I'm the only one who can handle you jerks. So I'm the heroine.
Don't you mean the mascot?
Come inside! Let's have another drink.
["Since it ended a bit early, we're starting the next one."]
What?! You're not going to eat? Don't worry about money. It's on me today.
Don't you guys dare eat one bite! His face tells me he's plotting something.
And it says he's going to do something reckless.
No need for groundless suspicions.
Even if we're hungry, you can't buy us off with food. We're not that cheap.
You're way too sweet, Katsura-san.
Way too sweet! Like this chocolate that's melting.
Excuse me! Can I have a refill?
I should've been more careful. Elizabeth was always with me.
So I should've known she would attract the attention of the authorities.
So, who did it?
Chintaro Toyama, the evil magistrate.
He's a villain who takes bribes to satisfy his desires.
Elizabeth's head will definitely roll if I don't do something.
I beg you, Gintoki. Help me rescue Elizabeth.
[Kunoichi Café Wait time - 90 minutes]
What?! You're going to sneak into the magistrate's office, gozaru?
Well, this idiot just won't take no for an answer.
And I thought you're a ninja, so you're good at that kind of stuff. So, please.
Please what, gozaru?
Can you help turn us into ninja?
Are you underestimating the ninja, gozaru?
Do all ninja have to say "gozaru" at the end of each phrase?
Not "gozaru." I'm Katsura.
But you can't possibly become a ninja overnight...
True kunoichi are forged through blood, sweat and tears! Don't underestimate us!
Manager, aren't you a man?
Still, could you at least come with us, Sa-san?
"-Chan" is fine.
There's no time to lose, Sa-kun.
I said you can call me Sachan, dumb-ass!
Sorry, but I have past connections to Bakufu people, so I can't do anything stupid.
See? I've got a call for work...
Are you insulting us? Stop messing with your phone while you are with a customer!
Hmph. You're awfully firm with me.
Why are you blushing? Why?
You don't have connections with the Bakufu anymore. So you can help...
Hey! What are you doing?! Hurry up and bring my damn tea!
Yes, sir! I'll be right with you, gozaru.
I'm sorry. I can't come with you. I'm too busy right now.
See ya!
Here's your tea, gozaru!
Here's your cake. It's on the house now!
Hey, Sachan! What are you doing?!
You're fired.
But...! Manager!
I'm over here.
Oh! My glasses...
When did that happen?
Hey, over here.
You left your glasses here.
Tough luck, Sachan, you're really careless...
But now that you're free... Let's go.
Well... Sachan... I'm sorry...
Ah...I want to be bullied some more.
What?! That's disgusting!
Well, I'll pound as many of the secrets of the ninja into you as I can.
First. A ninja must be a shadow.
He does his work so discreetly that no one ever knows he is there.
Whatever you do, you must be inconspicuous!
You call this inconspicuous? Look at us! Are we the Go-Rangers?!
Well, anyways, I can't tell your faces apart.
Everyone but Gin-san looks the same to me.
Why don't we just wear name tags?!
Oh, Gin-san, your scarf isn't tied right.
You're so careless... You can't do anything without me.
You're the careless one!
And you still can't see anybody! Put your glasses on!
By the way, why is my color yellow?
The leader is supposed to wear red. I want red.
Don't fight me on this, Zura. Red is my symbol color. So I'm the leader.
It's not very convincing, but it's fine if I have no other choice.
As the leader, I make the orders.
Yellow, you love curry, so you always carry curry with you.
Hey, Shinpachi, can you switch with me?
This will be almost impossible to keep clean while eating curry udon.
[Note: curry udon = yellow curry on top of noodles]
I don't care about curry or curry udon! Why did you even come here?!
[Next Time]
Thus, we teamed up as the Go-Ninja
[Preview]
to sneak into the Magistrate's office where Elizabeth-san is being held.
But there're enemies waiting for us!
The next episode: "Mom's Busy Too So Quit Complaining About What's for Dinner."
[Chintoro Toyama, an evil magistrate, sent the Shinobi Five, the five strongest ninja.]
[Will the Go-ninja successfully rescue Elizabeth?]